wen do u kno 4 xur ur complete? wen things seem 2 move perfectly well - u feel ur worth - u'r overwhelmingly gratified - surprises xur amaze u evryday... but it's too fuckin' perfect to be real, right? SO WHAT D HELL HAV I BEEN MISSING?! HUH?!?
today, im scared. the next day, im bold. and the cycle goes on. talk about inconsistency. hai, i know i am in transition. im just about to learn a lot more of this thing they call adulthood. im taking it as an opportunity to know myself better. i know i'll live through it. gracefully! i'd feel proud and fulfilled all the way...
he doesn't understand me. but what have i to expect. i don't even know him that well either. things happened too fast, too soon. as if it was something really magical. in the end, it turns out, i am just innocent. (like a religion, huh.) whether or not he is that gullible, i dont really know. he shows me like he is, and i can almost believe him if not just for the gray area in which i reserve the possibility that i am still too young to grasp the whole situation. maybe he was just faking. i cant believe he seems to be so hurt, making me the one feeling really guilty. damn it, he should know much better than i do. he shouldn't be acting like he's being a fool trusting me and all. im the one 21 years old here. im the one new. im the one likely to be rash. gosh, he should have told me how the real meaning of things is different from what it seemed to me. yet he only tolerated it, and tolerated me, letting me feel and confess things that i was actually very unsure of all along. how come, he's so hurt?!? it couldnt be. it's too good to be true. i dont believe him!
whatever really happened in those days there was an "i-and-him" i still dont know for sure. in fact, i dont think i'd be able to figure out soon. now, i feel that i rather ignore those impulsive emotions of mine during that time. right now, im not in the position to entertain those thoughts. im too incapable to go through such a task. i have realized im never gonna be able to love someone if im this unstable and uncertain. and the thing is, i allow myself to be. indeed, i feel even sort of insecure right now. but he must understand. he is way beyond my stage. on the one hand, he's there, among the people i admire. on the other hand, im here, so incomplete, so unfree. this person could go anywhere in the world he wants to be. i can afford no other world but my beloved university. all i need to do now is college, a very primitive stage of life, i must say. i dont need to be with anyone else right now. it's not just worth it, having to divert my resources i should otherwise be putting to my learning. right now, i might feel very uncertain of a lot of things, but i know for sure that right now all i need AND WANT is an excellent college education. oh well, this statement might appear boring to many people. to hopeless romantics, hypocritical even. i dont care, personally, it's the only thing i can say for sure at the moment.
Before, I wasn’t so motivated to enroll in a Psych 101 class. Everyone was getting it as his or her non-major elective, and somehow I have an aversion to fads. But during the summer registration, it suddenly dawned on me that I might as well opt for the psychology class over creative writing despite already been enlisted on the latter while I still had to do the “prerog” for Psych. CW 140 was one of my preferences because somehow I feel a passion for writing. But I also considered the idea that in a class like that, all we do is to build on something we already know – that is, of course, writing. I experienced this in my first CW elective, and I felt that I could have otherwise done the exercises by myself since much of the input came from the students. Actually, this is one of my fears when I choose just any class. Worse things had happened in other subjects I had taken before. What I don’t understand about some professors in UP is their passivity in the learning process. They assign readings so that students perform almost 90% of the requirements at home and the only thing distinct in the classroom is the periodic exams.
Fortunately, when I took Psych 101, my skepticism towards the roles of teachers, particularly in moderating real class discussions was considerably lessened. I really learned a lot from Ma’am Kaye. The class atmosphere was very stimulating and I could see very well her efforts to make the most of our meetings. (I’m sorry for being late.) One of my classmates even pointed out, “Kung sa ibang class, you can’t wait for the 90 minutes to pass, dito, ikaw pa ung mabibitin sa two hours.” (Naks, sipsip ko!!! Waha…)
Other than the favorable teacher, which many times, (well, how often is many times, btw?) I find her views similar to mine, and more times I just love to adapt her ideas, there are a lot more reasons why I enjoyed and will always appreciate my summer psychology class.
The class is very different from any other class I had taken in the university. In the math series, I learned to integrate and to get the area of complex geometrical figures, and surely I loved it but I didn't really know what were they for. In my business courses, I learned the essentials of marketing and quantitative aspects of management hop ing that when I graduate, I will be a competent corporate manager. Most of the time, the demands of college life is reasonable, but some bad times are just can't be helped. Psych 101 was the only subject that I had that taught students to be a good student, before the fact that he could be a good engineer or a good broadcaster. Here, one learned to learn well. One learned about himself and the best he can be. Unlike other subjects that teach one to be at his best by the time he is employed, Psych 101 simply lets one to be at his best while absorbing those academic stuffs at the current period. Put another way, Psych 101 is definitely not an end by itself; it's a means towards a more rational, more efficient student thinking.
My friend also told me one time that the Psych class is like her daily therapy. I agreed; every time I get out from Room 201, it feels like I found a way to solve my problems and become more relieved. But of course, unlike therapy sessions, our Psych 101 doesn't offer direct advices from a psychiatrist who would try to pacify her patients. On the contrary, it just offers technical aspects of how the brain works for instance, or the evolutionary mechanisms of defining beauty and attractiveness, for another, so that with these explanations, one will determine how to better manage his reason and emotions or she will understand that beauty is not just arbitrary and that she can do ways to make herself look and feel beautiful.
Personally, the following are some of the things I got from this class and are now being applied to my way of life. Since I don’t care in after-death scenarios, life here and now is what matters most. I got a lot of great ideas on how to get the most from this world. How to make life most meaningful for me.
The lesson about memory and studying helped me not just in being a systematic scholar, but also in my personal pursuit to discover great new things through reading as whole. (I think I’ve explained this in my essay.)
Through developmental psych, I now understand myself better and become less bothered with the fa ct that I'm single. Sometimes, I wonder why I feel so alone. And it turns out that my age is the stage where one grows more sensitive about her personal struggle on isolation versus intimacy. I re assessed what I really hope for and eventually, I came to accept that I might really need a reliable guy to be always there to understand my beliefs, and not just anyone else to play around with. Yet in the end, maybe I also have a great need to be alone, to do things independently first until I could be more stable and secure to meet other people.
Furthermore, the “big five” test was a good way to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses. I found out that I can invest in ways in which I would be more open to experiences since it's this component that I feel most inclined to. (Again, I mentioned these things in my previous essay.) I also want to enhance my conscientiousness since the test has revealed that I’m not good enough if I am to pursue the dreams I have in mind now. My extraversion is the least problematic of all, I suppose. I am contented with the extent wherein I could express myself and experience things. I might not be the life of the party but I try to know several people I like. Another thing: I wonder about me being disagreeable. I formerly said that I thought I don’t have to change anything about it. But maybe I have to. Sometimes, I can be really tactless and heedless of others' impressions about me. Right now, I am also working on my neuroticism. So far, I’m being healthy, meaning, without feelings of anxiety or anger that are distressful and futile.
The last, but certainly not the least, lesson I will always treasure is the essentials of happiness. Most of the time, when I talk of happiness, I actually mean pleasure. I’m happy when I spend a thrilling time with the guy I like. I'm happy because I have enough money to buy a pair of Converse slippers. I'm happy because I’m laughing very loudly at my friend's ridiculous jokes. At other times, I do things with meaning, but then, I would not feel any pleasure at all. It's like I’m imposed to meet my deadlines, to take care of my younger sisters, or to join an outreach program. And then I figured out, upon discussing I class, that what was lacking all along must be my engagement. I figured out that I should do those meaningful things, in which I can be really good at, in which I can use my skills so I can make a difference. I think I have felt this “complete package” of happiness while I was tutoring algebra and trigonometry to my UPCAT students and while I am completely immersed into the things I read and then later, have a chat to some friends and share my ideas. I think it's also something that occurs when I eat a balanced diet and spend time to exercise knowing that having a healthy body is my responsibility not just to myself, but also, to the people I love. And then again, it happens when I could eagerly carry out the day the way I planned it so as to use the hours of my fleeting life productively.
Epiphanies could happen in my daily encounters spontaneously. But no single moment of sudden revelation could ever take the place of my Psych 101 experience.
Last night, our little, naughty dog peed on my bed! And it wasn’t just the first; ‘twas already second! I got really pissed off but I could only blame myself more than her for not closing my bedroom door. Gosh, it was the only time I left it open again since that first distasteful event, and ooops, she immediately took advantage of it. Any pet lovers there who understand and can explain to me why dogs such as the one at home love to pee on beds? Such an ambitious creature! And then I suddenly remember, it’s not even our dog! Ariel is the owner who had to leave it behind since he would be taking his summer vacation in our province. Our dog is an adopted one - not so willingly, we just didn’t have a choice.
I’m not really into any kind of pet animals and I don’t see the significance of dogs as companions at home. Unfortunately, for some reasons, my housemates welcomed two dogs at our house three months ago, and suddenly to me, there seemed a deluge of devious dogs, wandering, messing around, disrupting my walks and scratching my legs. Not to mention the persistent barks, sighs, hunger alerts, and then there’s the menses messes, the scattered shits, and the savaged garbage. Through time I learned to deal with all of these, even if it has meant a lot more house chores for us.
Even so, a bitch’s pee on my bed? It’s still intolerable. The goaded devil within me badly wishes I could get even. But then, my more pragmatic side would simply tease me for being so trivial, for still having to avenge on that innocent beast. Okay, so… I dismissed the absurd idea of persecuting her.
This morning, the dog’s same ole familiar sighs woke me up. Not so much of a bad thing, though, since I also wanted to wake up this early – like six. I got out of my room, closed the door at once (whew, i’m being more careful now) and with the Time mag I just bought, I composed myself at the dining table – obviously also my study table. The sighs continued, but I wondered, "I don’t see her around". The other dog, the black and bigger one, is hitched outside all the time. He has a nice place there, don’t worry. But this little thing was supposed to be just around the kitchen or at the corridor. "Now, where is she?" I made my way to the corridor, and there, hoorah, I saw her upstairs! I tried to digest for a while how in the world she got there, or why! Of course, I realized she’s not intelligent enough to ponder on the reason or on whether or not she could get down by herlself afterwards. She was looking at me, apparently pleading for help. Her sigh turned to more distinct wails, her drooping eyes still onto me. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel sympathy for her. Or maybe I felt it, but I didn’t entertain it. That pee-on-my-bed issue was still very fresh. So I simply laughed for her stupidity. Okay, I’m rude. Or am I, really? I never attempted to deliberately hurt her, did I? But I’m not in the position to do her a favor either. At last, I tasted the sweetness of my revenge. Woohooo…
------
By noon, she stopped screaming, at least she already accepted her hopelessness. The whole afternoon, she just slept, apparently very tired for the half-day she was being so persistent. By 5, when I already finished all my readings and home chores, I had nothing more to do or much to think about so my concern was simply directed to her. I climbed upstairs and picked her up, still sleeping. She’s now ready for dinner. We’re certainly all square now. But another thing’s for sure, my door? Always, closed. Always, I swear!
sometimes, no matter how much i want to go for the best, my efforts are simply not enough. though i am quite sure i deserve the better things, i have no choice but to settle for the second best. yah, it's quite pathetic, especially that i really think others can actually work out things for everyone but they don't just take you seriously. and i wonder, how come they don't care. but then, perhaps the world goes this way. i just have to know when to stop expecting, after all i've already done my part, and start accepting. then indeed, i'll still be able to carry the day.
sometimes, it's just so tiring out there i just choose to stay behind, letting things go their own way, me completely nowhere. and so they happen, and painful as they are, i just pretend im not aware. and i pretend i can go on despite it.
the new lesson is the old lesson. simple. more actions. just get real. and more willing to work out things however ugly they would seem.
there's a world out there and you will see that it's not so beautiful after all. the only time its beauty shows is when you start to accept that it's not beautiful on its own. you have to pursue that beauty, and only then that you deserve it.
dreams are meaningless unless they're meant to be realized the soonest possible. remember that time comes when it already runs out.
the new lesson is the old lesson delayed. and im not any wiser.
when does a new start begin and the old recedes. when will things ever get tired of me. when will i ever get tired of things.
i wanna go home. i wanna be what i really am. i wanna be happy. i wanna live that dream. i don't want to just dream this life.
red from shawshank redemption, "get busy living or get busy dying". catchy, but i don't actually agree. it's not so easy to tell.
whew, after all these, i just wish im gonna work harder, be even more rational, worldly even, and let myself reap what i really deserve.
Many times I find my life much simpler, not that it is in any way less enjoyable, but that I like it better because much comes from me. I focus with the things I can have a hold over, and no matter how small they are, I know I can carry the day. I have in my hand little money. I have a small room. I do a few things. I have a list of songs I get to listen to. I have my family out there and some of my relatives. I enjoy a few best friends. I read. I write. I sing. I laugh. I dream. I tell you, it’s just enough.
Finding Nemo (2003)
City of God (2002)
Talk to Her (2002)
The Lord of the Rings (2001-03)
Kandahar (2001)
Ulysses' Gaze (1995)
Chungking Express (1994)
Drunken Master II (1994)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Farewell My Concubine (1993)
Schindler's List (1993)
Léolo (1992)
Unforgiven (1992)
Goodfellas (1990)
Miller's Crossing (1990)
The Decalogue (1989)
Nayakan (1987)
Wings of Desire (1987)
The Fly (1986)
The Singing Detective (1986)
